


If we make it or we don’t (we won’t be alone)

by justhockey



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, I hope this makes the loss a little easier, M/M, They’re All Sad, it’s sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-31 07:47:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18586894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: Win or lose, Tyler always finds himself with an armful of Auston Matthews after every single game.Except this one.Auston hasn’t even come near him.





	If we make it or we don’t (we won’t be alone)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _We’re Going Home_ by Vance Joy.

The weight in his chest is heavy as he sits in the locker room, looking around at the empty expressions on the faces of his teammates. 

Fucking _fuck_. 

Losses always hurt. _Always._ But there’s no other feeling that even comes close to a game seven loss when they’d basically been ahead the whole series. 

Tyler’s jaw aches from clenching it so hard, and he has nail marks in the palms of his hands from where he’d been squeezing them so tightly. He wants to scream, or something. _Anything_. But he doesn’t even have the energy for it. Games are exhausting at the best of times, but when shit falls apart this badly? They drain the fucking _life_ out of you. 

He doesn’t even really feel angry. At least, not _yet_ anyway. He has no doubt that it’s coming at some point though. But for right now, he just feels kind of numb. Willy looks close to tears as he leans his head against Kappy’s shoulder, Mitch is staring at an empty Gatorade bottle lying on the floor, and Trav is sitting with his head in his hands. The only person who even looks remotely angry is Morgan, who’s still seething from the stupid fucking questions from reporters about Gards.

And, well. He’s not sure what Auston looks like. He hasn’t been able to look at him yet. He’s certain that, if he did, that would be the catalyst, and he’d shout or cry or do some other stupid thing that he can’t do with a room full of media. He bites his lip and forces himself to look at the floor. He can’t risk seeing Auston’s face, whether he’s angry or sad or empty, because Tyler just knows it’ll push him over the edge. 

Because Auston is. He’s _Auston_. And that’s, like, a lot for Tyler. 

They’ve been dancing around each other since basically the start of the season, right after Tyler joined the team. It’s intense, to say the least. Because Auston is fucking gorgeous, and he’s so, _so_ good it’s sickening. And Tyler loves how no one outside the team and his family really know what he’s like. To the media he always seems aloof and controlled, but Tyler knows better than anyone that Auston is a jokester, and he’s also clingy as _fuck_ when he wants to be. 

Honestly, Tyler thinks things would be easier if it was all one-sided, if Auston barely gave him the time of day. That way he’d be able to move and get over it. But it’s not. Because Auston wants him too. Which he’d made pretty clear after a win against the Devils near the beginning of the season, when he’d pushed Tyler into a bathroom stall at the club they were in and tried to kiss him. 

Tyler didn’t let him. 

Not that he didn’t want to, because _fuck_ there was nothing he wanted more than to take Auston home with him. But. They just _couldn’t_. Like, there was no conceivable way that it would ever work. They both wanted each other too much for a quick hook up to ever be enough, but a relationship was simply impossible as well. The NHL isn’t a place for same-sex relationships, they would never be welcome. Plus, Tyler is 29, he’s eight years older than Auston. That’s just too big of an age gap to overlook. So he’d placed his hands against Auston’s neck, pushed their foreheads together, and apologised as he rejected him. 

Auston had taken it well. Kind of. They’re still close friends and they still play well the few times they end up on the ice together. But, when Tyler says Auston is clingy, he isn’t kidding. From that moment on, Auston made sure to sit beside Tyler on every plane and bus ride, at every team dinner or breakfast, in every club. Which has been making it kind of impossible for either of them to move on, and Tyler is almost certain that’s Auston’s plan. And everyone always assumes Mitch is the cuddle monster, which is absolutely true, but Auston can’t be overlooked either. Because, win or lose, Tyler always finds himself with an armful of Auston Matthews after every single game. 

Except this one. 

Auston hasn’t even come near him, and honestly? Tyler is grateful. Like, he absolutely wants to wrap his arms around Auston, because he _always_ wants that. But it would be too much, today of all days. Especially in front of all of their teammates and the reporters, who just won’t leave them the fuck alone. 

When Tyler finally seeks Auston out, it’s because he can hear his voice replying to some undoubtedly stupid and/or pointless question from a journalist. He looks empty, defeated, and Tyler just wants to somehow make it better for him, to take away all the shitty thoughts he knows Auston is thinking. Because the whole team deserves better than this, _Auston_ deserves better than this. They’re too good to keep falling at the last hurdle, and Tyler knows how hard it is to get back up after falling down, especially when you have the weight of a whole city on your back. 

He’s flat out staring at Auston now. Because even when he looks exhausted and emotionless, he’s still the most beautiful thing in he world to Tyler. It’s then that he notices it. A tiny _63_ in the centre of the maple leaf on Auston’s hat. _Tyler’s hat_. And it shouldn’t be a big deal, because it happens all the time. He’s worn Freddie and Morgan’s hoodies more times than he can count. But it does something to Tyler, to see Auston in his number, even if it’s tiny. 

His heart kind of breaks, if he’s being honest. Because he loves Auston, he really does. He wants nothing more than to just comfort him somehow, because he should never look as _broken_ as he does right now. 

Tyler is tired, _so tired_ , of not having Auston, when right now, after such a crushing loss, it feels like he doesn’t have hockey either. Realistically he knows that he’s got plenty years left in him, that he’s got time to win. But straight after a loss like this, it feels like it’s never going to be in reach again. And Auston is so close he can almost touch him. It’s hard to remember why Tyler had ever refused Auston’s advances. 

His breath gets stuck in his throat when Auston catches his eye, and he forces himself to look away. 

*

Most of the team want to sit alone on the flight back to Toronto. Apart from Mitch - who Tyler thinks is crying into Patty’s shoulder - Willy and Kappy, and Mo and Gards, everyone else is sitting by themselves. Tyler takes a seat towards the back of the plane, and is only somewhat surprised when Auston sits down next to him. He’d half been expecting it, but part of him also thought Auston would want to be alone with his thoughts. Tyler is glad, really, because he knows Auston has an awful habit it of blaming losses solely on himself. 

Although Auston has no shame in being clingy, it’s definitely a first when he pushes the arm rest up and leans against Tyler. He wriggles around until Tyler lifts his arm and wraps it around his shoulders, so Auston can rest his head on his chest. Neither of them say anything, Tyler barely even gives any consideration to the fact that the whole team is on board, he just holds Auston tight and refuse to let go. 

Halfway through the flight and Tyler is still wide awake, despite the fact that he’s normally the first to fall asleep on planes. Auston fell asleep almost right after take off, he could tell by the way his breathing got shallower and how the death grip on Tyler’s waist had slackened off. He kind of needs the bathroom, but there’s no way he’s risking waking Auston up, the only time the guy isn’t criticising himself is when he’s asleep. 

“Enzo,” he hears a voice say, and looks away from Auston’s face to respond to whoever it is. 

Hainsey is standing in the aisle, his arms resting on a seat on either side of him, and he looks at them with a small frown on his face. Tyler offers him a pathetic excuse for a smile. 

“Hey,” Tyler replies quietly. 

Hainsey nods to where Auston is still sleeping on his chest, “How’s Matts doing?”

Tyler resists the urge to shrug, not wanting to disturb Auston. He settles for the head wiggle that universally means ‘not great, but could be worse’. 

“He’s not said anything,” Tyler whispers, “probably blaming himself.”

Hainsey shakes his head at that, clearly frustrated. 

“Babs barely even _played_ him, it’s not on Matts.”

And yeah. Tyler knows that, Hainsey knows that, hell, the entire _team_ probably knows that. But Auston finds a way to blame himself no matter what. It’s frustrating sometimes, because Tyler can see Auston getting lost in his head and there’s just nothing he can do about it. He’s too hard on himself. He needs someone to tell him how _good_ he is, every once in a while. And not a journalist or some fan online, he needs to hear from his team. 

“Try telling him that,” Tyler says. 

“Look after him, yeah?” Ron says, but with the way he’s looking at them Tyler’s pretty sure he already knows he’s going to. 

“Of course,” he says anyway. 

When Ron goes back to his own seat, Tyler briefly allows his hand to brush through Auston’s hair and across his back. Only for a moment or two though, that’s all he’s willing to give himself, all he’s willing to take from Auston. 

*

In the chaos of everything, Tyler had forgotten that Auston had driven them both to the arena before they left for Boston. 

He’s a little surprised when, once they arrive back there, Auston takes hold of Tyler’s wrist and begins guiding him towards his car. He’s goes easily though, because let’s face it, he’s _always_ gonna be easy for Auston. Plus, he was being clingier than usual; he’d kept his head on Tyler’s chest even after he woke up, and he’d practically been glued to Tyler as they made their way through the airport and onto the bus, where he’d curled into Tyler’s side yet again. Tyler knows he needs the comfort it, and he would never deny him of that. 

“Matts,” he says as they’re leaving the parking lot. “Matts, are you okay?”

Auston just shrugs, but that’s not gonna work for Tyler. He leans over to put a gentle hand on his knee. Auston flinches a little, then glances over at Tyler quickly. It’s the first time he’s made eye contact since that moment in the locker room, and Tyler feels his breath falter again, at the sadness behind his eyes. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

And that’s it for the rest of the journey. They drive in silence, and Auston doesn’t even put any music on. Tyler just alternates between looking out of the window and glancing at Auston, just to check that he’s holding it together. 

He doesn’t move his hand away from Auston’s knee. He knows he should, that he’s pushing the boundaries that he had set for himself, but he knows Auston needs the physical contact. That’s more important right now, than trying to do the right thing. 

The journey feels longer than normal, without the usual chatter or singing along to the radio, so when they finally arrive at Auston’s, they’re both beyond exhausted. Tyler isn’t really surprised that Auston didn’t drop him off at home, not after he’d attached himself to Tyler for the whole night. So he just follows him into the building, then the elevator, and then, finally, into Auston’s apartment. 

Auston tosses his bags to the side, and Tyler barely has time to put his own down before Auston just falls into his arms. He lets his arms encircle Auston automatically, and holds him close as he leans most of his weight onto him. 

It’s not particularly comfortable, seeing as Auston is a good six or seven inches taller than Tyler, but he doesn’t care. Doesn’t try to move or shift their position, he just stands there and holds him while Auston presses his face into Tyler’s neck. 

Neither of them are crying, at least, he doesn’t _think_ Auston is crying. But they’re both hurting so bad their teeth ache with it, and they know each other’s pain like it’s their own, because it _is_. They’re in this together. If there’s anyone that they can lean on during this, it’s each other. 

Of course, the rest of the team understand too, but it’s different with him and Auston. There’s more between them. Which isn’t to undermine their relationships with their other teammates, but they share something with each other that they don’t with anyone else. And even though they’re never going to act on it, to hurt with someone you love is better than to hurt alone. 

So he keeps his arms around Auston’s waist, gently brushing his hand across his lower back, and just lets Auston hold on. It feels like he’s about to go under and Tyler is the only thing keeping him afloat, but he doesn’t care. He’d rather drown himself than let Auston sink. 

Tyler’s eyes are closed when he feels Auston press a kiss to his neck. He immediately tenses, poised to pull away, but Auston keeps kissing him. He moves up his neck and along his jawline until finally, _finally_ , their lips meet. 

The kiss is hard and desperate as Auston grabs Tyler’s face between his hands. Tyler lets him tilt his head to whatever angle he wants as Auston licks into his mouth, heavy and fast, like he’s running out of time. Tyler wants to stop him, he knows this is a terrible idea, but he’s finding it hard to string a coherent thought together when the man he’s in love with is kissing him so fiercely. 

It takes Auston trying to unbutton Tyler’s shirt and pull him towards the bedroom to make Tyler come to his senses. Gently, he rests his hands on Auston’s wrists and pulls back from the kiss. Auston lets out a whimper that Tyler feels down to his bones, and he wants nothing more than to kiss him again, but he _can’t_. He knows how vulnerable Auston is right now. Tyler is older and more experienced with these kinds of losses, he has to be the one to put a stop to it, he can’t take advantage. 

“Matts, Auston, _stop,_ ” Tyler says, but Auston just pulls Tyler in to kiss him again. 

It takes every ounce of self control Tyler possesses to pull out of Auston’s vice-like grip and take a step back from him. Several steps. Just for good measure. 

The way Auston’s face crumples when he tries to reach for Tyler again, but Tyler just moves further away, well. It’s enough to shatter Tyler’s heart. Because _god_ he wants this too, he wants the comfort, but most of all he just wants _Auston_. But he refuses to be that guy, the one who takes advantage of someone younger, especially at their most vulnerable. 

Auston’s expression shift from longing to anger. 

“What, you don’t want me now that I can’t win it for us?” Auston almost shouts, sounding like he’s on the verge of hysterics. 

Tyler feels something deep inside of him break. Part of him had always known that Auston based his worth solely on his ability to play hockey, but hearing him actually confirm it feels like being boarded. He’s always taken the weight of every game, the team, the _city_ , on his shoulders. He refuses to take credit when he wins games for them, but is so quick to blame himself every time they lose. It hurts knowing how little he really thinks of himself. 

He takes a step closer to Auston, suddenly unable to handle being so far away from him. 

“Aus, _of course_ I want you,” Tyler tells him. 

Auston just shakes his head, “No, you don’t because I let you down.”

This time Tyler walks straight up to him, rests his hands on Auston’s biceps and looks up directly into his eyes so he can see just how much Tyler means every word he’s about to say. 

“Auston, Aus, listen to me, okay? I want you more than I wanted that win.”

Auston frowns and tries to pull away but Tyler refuses to let him go. 

“Hey, I’m serious, look at me? I’m serious. We _will_ win it, okay? We will. But if someone gave me the option, you or the win tonight, I’d choose you,” Tyler tells him, promises as he looks deep into his eyes and wills Auston to believe him. 

Because he’s telling the truth. He wants to win the cup, with this team, more than he even knows what to do with. But he _knows_ they’ll get that eventually. They’re good enough and tough enough to make it the whole way, and he 100% believes that they will. But actually having Auston? That’s not something Tyler’s ever believed he could have, not really. So given the choice, it would have to be Auston. 

Auston looks like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. But only for a second, then he’s pressing his whole body against Tyler’s and trying to kiss him again. It makes Tyler feel sick, having to turn his head so Auston’s kiss lands on his cheek instead of his lips. 

“Then why won’t you kiss me? If you mean it, why won’t you kiss me?”

Auston’s voice cracks and Tyler can see tears welling in his eyes. He reaches a hand up to rest it on Auston’s cheek, and his heart melts at the way his eyes flutter closed upon contact. 

“Not like this, not when you’re angry and hurting. Not when you might regret it in the morning,” Tyler tells him. 

Because as much as he wants Auston right now, the thought of him waking up in the morning and regretting it, it’s just too much for Tyler to even think about. The thought of having everything he’s wanted, and then having it ripped away, he can’t handle that. 

“I could never regret you,” Auston says, turning his cheek into the palm of Tyler’s hand. 

“I’m not taking advantage of you when we’re both vulnerable. We’re both emotional, and _exhausted_ , Auston. Why don’t we get some sleep and talk about this tomorrow?” Tyler suggests. 

Auston’s eyes open at that, and he looks right into Tyler’s. He reaches his own hand up to take hold of the one Tyler was resting on his cheek, and he squeezes it tightly, tugging a little so Tyler moves impossibly closer. 

“Stay with me?” Auston murmurs. 

“Of course.”

Tyler agrees, because how could he ever refuse. They don’t bother with their bags, just leave them in the hallway and make their way to Auston’s bedroom. They strip of their suits in silence, and Tyler doesn’t even bother to hang his up, just drops it into a pile on the floor. It’s not like he’s gonna be wearing it again for a while anyway. He takes the t-shirt that Auston offers him to sleep in, and can’t fight the smile that makes its way onto his face when he sees the _Matthews 34_ on the back of it. 

Auston is bigger than Tyler in every sense, but he has a way of making himself seem so much smaller than he is. When they lay down and he curls into Tyler’s side, it’s like he shrinks. He seems so young like this, Tyler can’t help but notice, as if he needed another reminder of how much older he is than Auston. But he refuses to care about that right now. They need each other, and nothing else matters. 

*

Tyler wakes up first the next morning. He and Auston had shifted in the night, so now they were laying on their sides, facing each other, with their hands entwined between them. The sunlight peeks through the curtains and shines on Auston, making him look like he’s glowing. Though that’s how he always looks to Tyler, really. It’s bright enough that it must be late morning, and Tyler quickly realises that they don’t have to set their alarms now for the next few months. He’s half relieved, half devastated. 

He watches Auston silently for a while. He doesn’t dare move in case he wakes him up, and he doesn’t want the moment to end, for Auston to wake up and realise that he doesn’t need Tyler as much as he thought he did last night. It’s probably kind of selfish, Tyler thinks, but he can’t help it. He wants Auston to want him, and not just when he needs comfort. 

And of course Auston does, he’d made that clear enough times. But Tyler doesn’t think Auston wants it enough to risk being outed publicly. And he gets that, which is why he’d tried his hardest to maintain the self-imposed boundaries. 

He can’t resist stretching out a hand out though, and brushing away a piece of hair that had fallen over Auston’s face. That brief contact is enough to wake Auston, and he groans a little as his eyes flicker open. 

Tyler smiles at him, and his heart just about jumps out of his chest when Auston squeezes his hand and smiles back, so warm and gentle and beautiful. 

“Morning,” Tyler whispers, not wanting to break the peace. 

“Morning,” Auston replies. 

“How are you feeling?”

Auston shrugs, “Kinda shitty.”

“We’ll get ‘em next year,” Tyler says, smiling sadly, but Auston just frowns. 

“I meant more about how I acted last night.”

Tyler goes rigid at that, feels the smile slip off his face. He knew it was coming, this was why he refused to have sex with Auston last night, but still. It hurts to hear it, to see the regret on Auston’s face. 

“It’s okay-“

“-it’s not, it’s not okay. I pushed you, made you say things you didn’t mean,” Auston says, glancing down at their hands, still gripping each other in between them. 

And really, _that’s_ why Auston feels shitty? He thinks he pushed Tyler into saying some bullshit he didn’t mean in order to calm him down, but he couldn’t be further from the truth. 

“Aus, I didn’t say _anything_ I didn’t mean,” Tyler assures him. 

The look in Auston’s eyes is mesmerising. He looks hopeful, like there’s happiness just beneath the surface that he isn’t sure he’s allowed to feel yet. He shuffles closer, trapping their hands between their chests as he leans his forehead against Tyler’s. 

“Can I?”

Tyler’s not sure what he’s asking, but he nods anyway. _Yes_. The answer is always yes with Auston. 

When their lips meet again, it’s so different from last night. There’s no rush to it, no urgency. But there’s still an undercurrent of desperation as he licks Auston’s bottom lip, revelling in the noises that he makes when their tongues slide together. It’s hot and overwhelming, and _perfect_. It’s exactly how Tyler had always wanted their first kiss to be, filled with love and gentleness, and all the things they had been too afraid to say before. 

“I meant what I said too,” Auston says breathlessly, when they finally come apart for air. “I could never regret you, Ty.”

Tyler just kisses him again. He figures that says everything he wants to better than words ever could.

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously I’m absolutely devastated that the Leafs haven’t made it to the second round, but I’m still immensely proud of them and how hard they’ve worked all season. 
> 
> This is literally just something I wrote because my heart was sad for them, and because I saw Auston wearing Enzo’s hat in his post-game. So I know it’s a bit of an odd pairing but I think it works. Hope you enjoy :)


End file.
